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Kristie and I have been friends since we were 3, but our friendship was always on/off. We reconnected around 2014 at age 21 and had a great friendship up until early fall 2016. We were both in shitty places and said stuff to each other that (in my opinion) was fucked up.

After spending an entire night trying to talk her out of suicide and letting her mom know, she convinced her mom I was the crazy one and told her I was lying about her being depressed and shit. She was, and shortly after I realized that her past boyfriends never made false claims (like she told me) to the police about being suicidal....she really would act that way.

Anyway, this incident caused a big fight and we haven't talked since. Fast forward to now, she met a guy and just had a kid with him. I've been willing to make peace if she was, but we're both pretty stubborn. I decided to send a little present with a handwritten note to her, not apologizing for what happened in the past (because like I said, I'm stubborn and I won't do that unless she does as well), but congratulating her on the kid, finding a good guy (finally), and that I was sorry for not making contact to congratulate her earlier. I sincerely expressed how happy I was for her.

Well, it's been almost a week since confirmed delivery of the package and she hasn't said anything. I've been great without her in my life, but figured I'd try to amend things with her. But now I'm fucking pissed, so I blocked her on all forms of social media. She had her MOM message me telling me that she can't believe her oldest friend would do such a thing, regardless of our fight. I mentioned to her that I sent a package and all she said was, "I know."

So, am I the asshole for completely cutting this old friend out of my life?

TL;DR: an long-time friend and I had a fight and haven't talked in almost two years - we were both at fault. I decided to step up and try to fix things between us, sent a present for her baby and a hand written note. My old friend hasn't said anything to me after a week of receiving this gift. I blocked her and she had her mommy contact me basically telling me I was an asshole.

EDIT: I received a message back from her mother. This is what she said: "I understand u thought u were being nice by sending the gift and were trying to open up space for u two too talk but i dont want her having negativity in her life which means there is no space for a friend that makes up lies about suicide. I am sorry she threatened to call the chair of ur graduate program & say that u had recently smoked pot bc i understand how that could cause u problems but irregardless i will not be giving her the gift u sent. i can send it back to u if u want."

Yes, I'll admit I'm the asshole. I'm an asshole that over reacted, but I think it's best to leave this situation where it is. Thanks for your advice/input, everyone.

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27 comments

It seems to me that the reason you don't wanna apologize is that you felt you did nothing wrong. That is not exactly the case however, by telling her mom without her permission you violated her trust. I think it would be best if you were to apologize to her for that. Admittedly I don't know everything about this scenario and I want to apologize ahead of time if I encroached or was rude in any way.

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Original Poster3 points · 1 year ago

I guess you're right. I didn't know what to do. She was super upset, drinking and telling me she had her prescription of pills (she has various prescriptions of narcotics) and was going to take them all to kill herself. If she would've and I didn't do anything, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So I figured telling her mom what was going on was the best choice, to stop her/watch. So I guess you're right, I really don't feel like I did anything wrong, because it was meant to help her.

Yes, you're an asshole. So is she, but let's focus on you.

You wrote this:

because like I said, I'm stubborn and I won't do that unless she does as well

That's textbook asshole behavior. If you can honestly and sincerely say "I did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for, all our problems are 100% her fault" then okay, you don't need to apologize, but you KNOW that's not true. You didn't say that was why you didn't apologize, it's because you're "stubborn."

Saying "I'm stubborn" doesn't make it okay. I know people like to announce their defects as if that means they aren't defects. Like if a man yells at someone and says "I have a short temper." Yeah, we know, but it's not okay to have a short temper. Might as well say "Yeah, I tend to hit people when I get upset." Uh, saying your problem out loud doesn't mean it isn't a problem.

So, you're stubborn, and you know you did wrong that needs an apology, but you won't do it because you think she has to apologize at the same time. That's childish, as in that's how children think "fair" works but you're a grownup.

If you do something wrong, you apologize. That has nothing to do with the other person and what they've done - you just take responsibility for your own behavior.

It rankles to apologize to someone that maybe needs to apologize even more than you do. But it's not a competition. It's about having integrity.

Plus, you know, being the bigger person, the better person, leading by example, and so on.

Since you know you need to apologize, she probably knows that too, and so when she gets a gift (but no apology) it's actually pretty reasonable that she doesn't take it in a gracious spirit - you are still not sorry for what you did so why should she care about a present? It's the thought that counts, right? But if the thought is "I'm not sorry for being a dick to you but congrats on the baby" then why should she appreciate that thought?

Of course, she's still an asshole for all her things, and not apologizing. It's not like there's not enough blame to go around.

So, you pettily decide to block her on social media. Not take the opportunity to actually TALK about your problems like adults.

I'd suggest you write her a note apologizing for your part and for also being stubborn and trying to get her to apologize first. Own all your own behavior.

Then leave the door open for her to also apologize for her bitchiness. If she does, great, you can forgive each other and be friends.

If not, then you don't need her in your life.

At least, I don't need unapologetic people in MY life. But currently you have no moral high ground here. Shape yourself up first.

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Original Poster2 points · 1 year ago

Thanks for the input. I guess I was hoping the gift would kind of open the window to be able to talk about what happened. I know it's not the best way to approach the situation, but that's the route I chose to go and obviously can't undo it now. Turns out her mom got to the package first, opened it, realized it was from me, and decided not to give it to her. Her mom basically apologized for her daughter threatening to tell my grad school supervisor that I had smoked a bit of weed around the time of our fight, but doesn't want me in her daughter's life because I'm a liar (due to the suicide thing). That really happened, but I know there's nothing I can say to convince her of that. I was considering contacting my friend, but do I mention the gift? I'm not trying to do more damage by messing with their mother-daughter relationship.

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I'm moving for college and he's coming with me. We've had some rough patches that were trying to work through but in the event he cheats again I'm definitely planning on leaving him.

My boyfriend has violent felonies so I don't plan on putting him on the lease because we'll get declined. If we end up breaking up, can I immediately just kick him out without any issues for me?

Edit, Location: either New Jersey or Pennsylvania

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19 comments
[deleted]
4 points · 1 year ago

No you can't. But more importantly I'm wondering WHY you even will have ANYTHING to do with someone who cheats and has violent tendencies.

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Original Poster-8 points · 1 year ago

Because I love him and want to make things work. And it wasn't like domestic violence or anything. He was charged with a couple count of arson before I let him when his friend drugged him.

Location is not optional. Generally to remove a tenant you must give proper notice then go to court to evict.

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Original Poster1 point · 1 year ago

My bad. Jersey or Pennsylvania would be where wed rent the apartment.

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Okay so at one point my bf was texting his ex, I talked to him about it and he said he'd stop. Well he didn't and I saw messages saying he loves and misses her, but he insisted that he wasn't serious when he said that because he enjoys manipulating people (fucked up I know, bit it's better than actually meaning the shit). A few months later he cheated on me with some girl he met through a friend. He was sleeping and woke up to her blowing him, then he felt like he was already cheating and didn't stop her. They had sex.

We got through that and everything has been great. I've gained a lot of trust back thankfully, but I still check how phone (without telling him) just in case. I can't tell him because I agreed that I wouldn't because I want him to know I trust him and want things to work. I was looking through his phone and saw messages from a girl he works with and they're joking around for about a month, and recently were joking about fucking in the car at work.

I think it may be a trap, because I didn't return the phone to the app he had it on when I was looking the other night. He could've noticed when he woke up in the morning and now set this entire thing up to see if I'll come out and admit I was looking through his phone.

Idk what to do. And I'm hoping you guys can help me because my friend refuses to even consider the fact this could potentially be a trap. She pretty much hates him and thinks he's just manipulating me. Buy she's never really had a real relationship and doesn't understand how hard this is. I don't know if its a trap or not, but I cant come out and ask him because it'd reverse all of our progress with my trust in him. But if it's not a joke, then I also need to talk to him. But I don't have proof right now that he's cheated.

TLDR: my bf has cheated in the past, but we worked through it. I still check his phone without telling him, but I think he may have caught me and is talking to a girl he works with as a joke to mess with me and catch me checking his phone, bc he's expecting me to confront him about it.

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